He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
