So drunk its hurt
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
