im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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