I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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