**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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