Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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