First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
