I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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