someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
