I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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