Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
