Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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