hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
