Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
