I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
