I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
