She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
