i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need to calm my uterus...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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