No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
