my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
