Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found puke in my bra..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You ruined the universe
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