He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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