So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
