Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
