What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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