she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
