paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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