I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
