That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
