She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
