I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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