I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
