There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
