I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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