The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
