Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
