his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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