my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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