If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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