i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
