so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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