so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
