So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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