i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
