I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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