No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
