Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
