Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
