I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
