Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think my moral compass just broke
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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