why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
