im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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