Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize